Who am I to

Posted by Mike Kaaks

19 April 2014

My chest feels like it might burst. When I first sat down to write about this feeling and what it is about I thought I was going to say that my head was about to burst. But the feeling is clearly in my chest somewhere in a band about the midpointof my ribs and certainly not lower down in my gut. Being an introspective soul has lead me to write about this and try to uncover the root cause of the pain.

For some years now I have been working to pull together the learning of all that I have experienced into a form that can be shared with the world. The messages centre on our connectedness. On many occasions I've felt like I've got all that I need. I'm ready to go. And then I encounter something more - either from re-reading something or from new experience. My program gets away from me. What I want to say or how I want to say it changes. Sometimes the need for change comes from my friends’ feedback about the drafts I have shared with them.

Thinking about all this is the source of the pain. There is so much going on inside me that can't see how to fit in all my material and my ideas, how to tell the whole story. And then the thought that if I don’t get it all in, then maybe it won't be worthy and won't be heard. There is also the thought: Who am I to be doing this anyway? These last two issues are a big part of what I'm feeling, certainly the pain part. I'm experiencing exactly what Brene brown has been talking about in her TED talk and her book Daring Greatly.

As I wrote that paragraph I realised that I haven't been listening to my own messages. The carpenter’s door is off its hinges isn’t it! I need to listen to the messages that I want to share with you. The words of Rumi that we are made to fly, or Marianne Williamson telling us that we're meant to shine and challenging us by asking who we are not to be fabulous, brilliant, gorgeous, and talented. Or Brene Brown's challenge that when we spend our lives waiting until we are perfect or bullet-proof we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable. I feel better just from having written those words. Enough seeking perfection. Time to get on with it!

So the challenge is to step up. To be the last snowflake which causes the bow to break or the one voice lacking in order for change to come. That's the outcome taken care of but the question remains - how to share my message. More work is needed. The pain will last a little longer, although now perhaps more an ache than a pain.